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399 days of loving more! Someone asked me this past weekend, “So, what were your findings from not
yelling for a year? Did you learn anything?” Huh. Pretty good question. And it
got me thinking, “Well, what did I learn?” I’ll tell you this; I learned a lot,
a lot more than I can possible fit in a blog post! So I share with you the top
10 things that I learned from my Orange Rhino Challenge where I promised to not
yell at my 4 boys for 365 days straight.
1. Yelling isn’t the only thing I haven’t done in a year (399 days
to be exact!)I also haven’t gone to bed with a gut-wrenching pit in my stomach because I
felt like the worst mom ever. I haven’t bawled to my husband that I yelled
again and again. And I haven’t heard my sons scream, “You’re the meanest,
worstest, mommy in the whole world, I don’t love you anymore!” Yep, I learned
real quickly that there are upsides to not yelling!
2. My kids are my most important audience.When I had my “no more yelling epiphany,” I realized that I don’t yell in
the presence of others because I want them to believe I am a loving and patient
mom. The truth is, I already was that way…but rarely when I was alone,
just always when I was in public with an audience to judge me. This is so
backwards! I always have an audience – my four boys are always watching me and
THEY are the audience that matters most; they are the ones I want to show just
how loving, patient and “yell-free” I can be. I want my boys to judge me and
proclaim, “My mommy is the bestest mommy ever!” I remember this whenever I am
home and thinking I can’t keep it together; obviously I can…I do it out and
about all the time!
3. Kids are just kids; and not just kids, but people too.Like me, my kids have good days and bad days. Some days they are pleasant
and sweet and listen really well; other days they are grumpy and difficult. By
the way, I am always sweet and never difficult. Always. Ha! And like
all kids, my boys are loud at times, they refuse to put their shoes on, and
they color on the wall, especially if it is covered in brand new wallpaper that
mommy loves. So, yeah, I need to watch my expectations and remember that my
boys are kids: they are still learning, still growing, and still figuring out
how to handle waking up on the wrong side of the bed. When they “make mistakes”
I need to remember that not only does yelling not help, but like me, they don’t
like to be yelled at!
4. I can’t always control my kids’ actions,
but I can always control my reaction.I can try my hardest to follow all the parenting tricks of the trade for
well-disciplined children, but since my kids are just kids, they sometimes
won’t do what I want. I can decide if I want to scream “Pick up your Legos! ”
when they don’t listen or if I want to walk away for a second, regain composure
by doing some jumping jacks, and then return with a new approach. P.S. Walking
away and taking a breather can actually get the Legos picked up faster than
5. Yelling doesn’t work.There were numerous times when I wanted to quit my Orange Rhino Challenge,
when I thought yelling would just be easier than finding deep breaths and
creative alternatives to yelling. But I knew better. Early on, I learned that
yelling simply doesn’t work, that it just makes things spiral out of control
and it makes it hard for my boys to hear what I want them to learn. How can
they clearly here me “say” “Hurry up, get your backpacks, your shoes, your
jackets, don’t touch each other, go faster, you an do it yourself!” when it’s
all a garbled, loud mix of intimidating orders that are making them cry?
6. Incredible moments can happen when you don’t yell.One night I heard footsteps coming downstairs well after bedtime. Although
infuriated that my “me-time” was interrupted, I remained calm and returned said
child to bed. As I tucked him in he said “Mommy, will you love me if I go to
heaven first, because if you go first, I will still love you. In fact, I will
always love you.” Tears still come to my eyes just writing that. I can
guarantee if I had yelled “GET BACK IN BED!” we never would have had that
sweet, very important conversation.
7. Not yelling is challenging, but it can be done!I am not going to say not yelling is “easy peasy,” but getting creative
with alternatives certainly made it easier and more doable. And after yelling
into the toilet, beating my chest like a gorilla, singing Lalala, Lalala it’s
Elmo’s world, and using orange napkins at mealtime as a reminder of my promise,
it certainly got a heck of a lot easier. Sure, I feel silly at times doing
these things, but they keep me from losing it. So do my new favorite words: “at
least.” These two small words give me great perspective and remind me to
chill out. I use them readily in any annoying but not yell worthy kid
situation. “He just dropped an entire jug of milk on the floor…at least it
wasn’t glass and at least he was trying to help!”
8. Often times, I am the problem, not my kids.The break-up line, “It’s not you, it’s me” rings uncomfortably true when
learning not to yell. I quickly realized that oftentimes I wanted to yell
because I had a fight with my husband, I was overwhelmed by my to-do list, I
was tired or it was that time of the month, not because the kids were behaving
“badly.” I also quickly realized that acknowledging my personal triggers by
saying out loud: “Orange Rhino, you have wicked PMS and need chocolate, you
aren’t mad at the kids, don’t yell” works really well to keep yells at bay . 9. Taking care of me helps me to not yell.I was always great at taking care of others; I was not, however, always
good at taking care of myself until now. Once I realized that personal triggers
like feeling overweight, feeling disconnected from friends, and feeling
exhausted set me up to yell, I started taking care of me. I started going to
bed earlier, prioritizing exercise, trying to call one friend a day and most
importantly, I started telling myself it’s okay to not be perfect. Taking care
of me not only helps me not yell, but it also makes me happier, more relaxed,
and more loving. Ah, the benefits of not yelling extend far beyond parenting!
There is no doubt that I am in a better parenting AND personal place now that I
don’t yell. Just to name a few unexpected benefits of not yelling: I do more
random acts of kindness, I handle stressful situations more gracefully, and I communicate
more lovingly with my husband.
10. Not yelling feels awesome.Now that I have stopped yelling, not only do I feel happier and calmer, I
also feel lighter. I go to bed guilt-free (except for the extra cookie I ate
that day, oops) and wake-up more confident that I can parent with greater
understanding of my kids, my needs, and how to be more loving and patient.
And I am pretty sure my kids feel happier and calmer too. I know everyone
wants to read, “I stopped yelling and not only do I feel great, but also my
kids are now calmer AND perfectly behaved.“ Well, they aren’t. They are still
kids. But, yes tantrums are shorter and some are completely avoided. Now that I
am calmer, I can think more rationally to resolve potential problems before
meltdown mania. But forget perfectly behaved kids for a second. My kids
are most definitely more loving towards me, and now tell me quite often “I love
you Orange Rhino mommy!” and that feels more than awesome, it feels phenomenal.