Stress, Learning and Kids

By Elaine Porterfield

It's time to put pencil to paper on the math test, and suddenly your third-grader can't recall any of her four times tables ... or the sevens. Her breathing gets shallow, her shoulders tighten and her body floods with stress hormones.

Later, when she hands you the test with fully a third of the problems left undone, all she can tearfully say is, "I couldn't remember anything. There wasn't anything in my mind."

Ah, stress. At its best, it can help kids reach new levels of performance — to play an instrument at a recital better than they've ever done in practice, or to swim a race faster than they ever have before. "We cannot eliminate stress from our lives," says Adelle Cadieux, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist at the Helen DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan. "And it's not that stress is all bad. In fact, it is kind of good for us to have some stress."

Positive stress helps kids grow and learn and develop, physically, academically and even socially, Cadieux says. And it can come from unexpected sources. "Having a birthday party, even though it's fun, can cause stress — 'Who is going to come?' 'Will they like the games?'" Cadieux says. She adds that learning how to deal with stress and keep it in perspective is an ideal growth opportunity.

But when stress doesn't let up or feels uncontrollable, it can have a negative impact, Cadieux and other experts say, causing a cascade of ill effects that can cause a child's brain to simply shut down, making both learning and performance tough.

That means when your child attempts to solve those multiplication questions on a test, stress can keep her from being able to easily retrieve key facts from her memory, says Dr. Andrea Weiner, a child and family therapist and childhood social and emotional skills expert.

"All kinds of research show stress can affect us physically," explains Weiner, whose latest book is entitled More Than Saying I Love You: 4 Powerful Steps That Help Children Love Themselves.

"When we feel anxiety, we are being overwhelmed by stress hormones — that fight-or-flight feeling," she says. "We're now dealing with being overwhelmed. We almost feel like we can't think straight."

Weiner says that over time, constant, unrelieved stress profoundly affects a child's ability to learn and retain information by blocking the brain's ability to move facts and ideas from short-term to long-term memory. "They can't concentrate or focus," Weiner says.

Chicago-area psychologist and physical therapist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., sees plenty of stressed-out kids suffering academic issues because of their anxiety. Children today face stress on a level unknown by their parents, she believes.

"We've all heard about parents trying to get their kids into 'the right' preschool so they'll get into Harvard," says Lombardo, who specializes in helping adults and children overcome stress to have happier lives. She's constantly struck by how many high-level activities are stuffed into the lives of kids these days — not just rec league soccer, for example, but select soccer with traveling meets. Not just school band, but youth symphony. Not just games with friends, but state spelling bee competitions.

She understands the impulse of parents to load up their kids with opportunities to learn and improve, but questions how they sometimes go about it. "They love their kids and want them to have the best advantages," Lombardo says. "The problem is that the way we're doing it is not always helpful. How many extracurricular activities can you shove into 24 hours?"

And for many kids that means stress, which can cause the exact issues parents are trying to avoid: impaired learning and general unhappiness. Even when they enjoy activities, trying to learn and keep up with several at once can simply overwhelm them, Lombardo says. It can also affect their sleep, which in turn can affect their memory.

"When we are stressed, we don't get enough hours of sleep. And obviously, stress affects how much sleep we get," Lombardo says. "But it's vital to memory — storing memories, grabbing memories and recalling them — and this obviously affects academic performance."

When stress-related problems crop up, parents need to examine their children's schedules and their own expectations and determine whether there's a disconnect. "I think it's important we take a step back — is the motivation behind [activities] positive?" Lombardo says. "You need to do problem-solving, listening. You, ultimately, are the parent."

Listen to the messages your child is sending you — and not just the verbal ones. Are sleep problems cropping up? Irritability? Is your child expressing more anger than is warranted in a given situation, or simply more anger in general? If so, maybe it's time for a talk.

Ask if there are any problems with peers, and be alert for the possibility of bullying. Flat-out ask your child if there are too many activities in his life, or if the activities are still enjoyable, Cadieux says. Use your common sense: Are the activities ramping up demands faster than you sense your child is comfortable with or able to keep pace with? Is a youth coach asking too much of the kids? Trust your gut. There's no shame in quitting an activity for a time and coming back to it later, when your child's development may be a better match for the physical and mental skills required, Cadieux says.

It always bears repeating, says Lombardo: Make sure your child has plenty of unstructured physical activity, like walking, bike riding, jumping rope, dancing around the house or simply hitting the playground with a friend. If this means you'll have to do the activity with your child, great — you'll both benefit.

With younger children especially, keep a tight, tight rein on the use of social media, Weiner says. Younger kids do not need to text, and they do not need to be on Facebook. Impulse control is still very much developing through elementary and middle school (and beyond, as any parent of a teenager can tell you!). In addition, model stress control by turning off your own cell phone, television and computer for at least one hour in the evening.

And don't forget to use your listening skills to figure out what's at the heart of a problem. Kids, even younger ones, can tell you revealing details if you let them talk, Lombardo says, giving an example: "If I'm stressed out and don't believe in myself, why should I study for this really hard test if I'm stupid?"

A statement like that gives parents the opportunity to help a child develop less drastic, more accurate thoughts, she says.

"Brains are magnificent and will come up with evidence for our beliefs," Lombardo says.  "'Nobody wants to play with me or pick me for dodge ball.' 'Nobody likes me.' 'I wear the wrong clothes.' 'I'm not tall enough.' I help parents to teach [their children] how to question their untrue thoughts. We look at these thoughts like we have a lie detector test — 'How do you know it's true?'"

Parents should then challenge a child to come up with alternatives to the untrue thoughts, Lombardo says. "Tell them, 'Give me three reasons people would want to play with you.' It might be, 'I am a nice person.' 'I'm good at the sport.' 'People usually play with me.' This allows the child to have new, truer thoughts and less stress."